adventures in sitting

offering fic?

2009-12-11T00:59:43Z

Fandom is weird, dudes. In my (6+ oh my heavens) years of lurking, I k-kind of wanted to be able to write super popular pairings well and, like, be able to actually interact with people on the internet in a normal manner? But now I am ridiculously pleased that I am godawful awkward, because somehow I managed to find a number of the coolest people on the internet who indulge me and listen to me ramble about stupid things with UNBELIEVABLE TOLERANCE. Y'all are awesome, is what I'm saying. I'M IN KIND OF A MAUDLIN MOOD, WHAT CAN I SAY.

So, h-happy December? I can't offer actualfax fic because I suck at finishing anything, ever, but! If for some reason, you do want fic from me, if you chuck me a 5 Things/5 Times sort of prompt, I will write you 5 things! Or alternatively just a prompt and I will write you comment-fic. I'm afraid I'm all dinosaur'ed out for the moment though, so if you are desirous of more dinosaurs, I would suggest you mosey over to either this thread which includes some things that didn't end up in the fic (raptor hangman?) or this comment-fic and its sequel, yes I actually went looking for these links, which is Morgana/OFC and Gwen/Merlin and there are time-traveling raptor FBI agents. OH HEY ALSO: still not caught up on Merlin, even though I've been reading you guys's reaction posts, so if you ask for something like Morgana/Morgause, you might just end up getting something like Morgana/wife of King Lot of Orkney.

halp!

2009-11-30T23:55:44Z

Does anyone here know how to calculate standard deviation? I keep googling it but then being like, "I don't give a fuck about this statistics shit" and getting distracted by the internet, and the Excel formula requires me to actually know what the fuck I'm doing. Oh Microsoft Office, how I loathe you and your indifference towards catering to the incompetent. OBVIOUSLY THE ONLY REASON THE INTERNET EXISTS IS TO HELP ME WITH MY LAB WORK, AM I RIGHT?

post of silly

2009-11-23T03:51:23Z

1) I have been unforgivably faily at replying to y'all's comments/keeping up with the f-list. I've been reading them, I swear! I just really suck at replying/commenting; I'm really sorry about this.

2) Haha, okay, I'm pretty embarrassed to own up to this, but I tried to cure my four-months-long writer's block by writing this (excruciatingly bad) thing at the kink meme for the prompt "Merlin loves to smoke, Arthur doesn't. That's why he wants Merlin to stop." I imagine the prompter wanted something cute and fluffy and somehow I managed to turn it into a 1000-word long angst fest in which Arthur is ridiculously melodramatic and buys Merlin chewing gum and breath mints when he's at the drug store for condoms, and Merlin is passive-aggressive without actually intending to be, and it's the *little things* that sometimes make a relationship fall apart because they're so silly you don't even want to talk about them, and there are run-on sentences like woah. (heh) FWIW I totally sympathize with Arthur here because I cannot imagine what it's like to fuck a smoker if you find cigarettes off-putting; that is not a smell that goes away. And Merlin, obvs, because it really sucks to live with people who are telling you to quit every five minutes. /speaking from experience.

3) Actually the real (totally pointless) reason for this post is that I cannot stop watching stop watching this vid. I'm sure everyone in fandom has seen it already, but if you haven't, go watch it seriously. Cheerleaders by day! Crime-fighters by night! It's so cute omg, it's likecandy. Really cute candy. It actually made me want to watch Heroes again, for like, 2 whole minutes. I'm pretty sure it's just as cute if you're not familiar with the fandoms (there's footage from BtVS movie and TV series, Bring It On 1 and 2, and Heroes) and it's just ugh. So adorable. Just a warning though, the music is terrible but ridiculously catchy, intentionally so I think, and will probably stay in your head indefinitely. I'm not sure what's up with all the italics, I think I'm just in a mood.

a story!

2009-11-04T04:49:13Z

If I hear anyone use the term "politically correct" (or any derivative) as a way to shut down debate in the next, ugh, we're coming up on holidays and I'm feeling charitable so let's 1 month, I might be forced to cut someone! Am I the only person who becomes enraged every time I see the word PC in a way that is not referential to computers? Yeah I thought so. STFU, Mrin.

um. (confessions!)

2009-10-30T00:03:57Z

1) So. Uh. I may have started watching Supernatural. Their fandom has incest! And shotguns! And epically hilarious gifs! And Richard Speight Jr! And explosions! And epic RPF AU's! How was I supposed to resist its siren song? This is particularly embarrassing since I haven't seen past Merlin 2x01 yet; I read y'all's reaction posts and was like NO I CANNOT DEAL, GIVE ME SOME TIME. Shameful. But yeah, for the most part, the worse things I hear about a fandom, the more intent I am on becoming emotionally invested in it. What does this say about me, as a person.

MOREOVER, HOW DOES THIS HOW MAKE ANY SENSE? ARE THEY, LIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO EVERY PAPER IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE COUNTRY? FORWARDED TO: THE IMPALA C/O DEAN WINCHESTER, SOMEWHERE IN MAINLAND AMERICA? That shit worked in the X-Files because they were FBI Agents, what the hell. Also, I feel instinctively like they should at least have a spare tire in that trunk or jump cables or something. They are practically living out of that damn car! TELL ME, SPN FANS, DOES THIS SHOW EVER ACTUALLY EXERT ITSELF TO MAKE SOME SENSE, OR THEY JUST LIKE: PRETTY BOYS! GUNS! and expect the rest to take care of itself? Mostly my feelings are, in mixed concentrations, awww Dean <333 and lol Jensen Ackles. Not terribly profound. I have some Feelings about its treatment of women and fandom's treatment of women, and how sometimes feminist interpretations of things (by which I mean, mine) leaves no room for the assumption of agency or the assumption of choice, because, er, I dunno I have a tendency to not be able to divorce writing (/authorial intent) from what is being written about, I guess but uh. Yeah. FEMINISM, IT IS FUNTIMES.

Also I'm pretty sure that if I ever bother to become invested in this show, I will stop caring about Sam/Dean at all and suddenly be like DEAN/BELA OTP. Who is this Bela person and why do I love her so much already. Oh fandom osmosis.

Guys, they have a crossover big bang. Dean/Mazikeen/Constantine OT3?!!!! It even rhymes!

2) OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT FRANK MILLER, AND "FRANK MILLER IS AN IDIOT, IT'S UNFAIR TO EXPECT HIGHER LEVEL BRAIN FUNCTIONS FROM HIM" How did I not know what he said this: (on Iraq)

"Nobody questions why we, after Pearl Harbor, attacked Nazi Germany. It was because we were taking on a form of global fascism, we're doing the same thing now ... It seems to me quite obvious that our country and the entire Western World is up against an existential foe that knows exactly what it wants.... For some reason, nobody seems to be talking about who we're up against, and the sixth-century barbarism that they actually represent. These people saw people's heads off. They enslave women, they genitally mutilate their daughters, they do not behave by any cultural norms that are sensible to us. I’m speaking into a microphone that never could have been a product of their culture, and I'm living in a city where 3000 of my neighbors were killed by thieves of airplanes they never could have built."

WHAT. WAY TO ADD RACISM AND GLEEFUL CULTURAL IGNORANCE TO YOUR (ALREADY EXTENSIVE) LIST OF SHITTINESS. Is there any kind of prejudice this man doesn't display, and proudly? Er, having done my research (like a good girl) evidently genital mutilation does happen in Iraq, BUT IT IS NOT A WIDESPREAD PHENOMENON YOU STUPID FUCKER, (except in Kurdistan failfailfailfail) I CAN'T EVEN. AND NO, AS AN ENGINEER, I AM PRETTY DAMN SURE WE WOULD NOT HAVE TECHNOLOGY WITHOUT ALGEBRA OR TRIGONOMETRY, I AM SO MAD IT ACTUALLY TOOK ME 4 ATTEMPTS TO SPELL THAT WORD CORRECTLY. /rage

Wow, that got long. (That's what Frank Miller said! /end immaturity) Crying.

things I have never done

2009-10-14T04:16:28Z

sadly do not include writing Merlin fic in which they are dinosaurs. I have, however, never run away from a lab partner before; in fact in the past I have always been quite tolerant-bordering-on-fond of them. Today I did so twice! I am supposed to be in the lab right now. I imagine I will be shot.

Title: snails do it differently
Fandom: Jurassic Park!Merlin
Characters/Pairings: gen, omg. THEY ARE DINOSAURS
Rating: PG? PG-13?
Word Count: 2,800
Summary: In which a hypothesis is tested, everyone acts like a human highschooler, several invasive non-native species are eradicated, and a conclusion is reached.
Warnings/Spoilers: People-eating! Spoilers for the movie, I guess.
Notes: Huge, huge thanks to briar_pipe who waited patiently for me to get done with my revisions for like, two whole weeks and looked over the second draft for me even though I gave it to her at pretty much the last minute. Also to lassiterfics who enabled this madness pretty much from the beginning and probably doesn't want to be associated with it in any way. Uh, dino classifications and stuff under the cut

Most of these dinosaurs do not actually show up in the movie! The dinosaurs that do are T-Rex, obviously, velaciraptors, dilophosaurus (which are the spitty ones with frills; in reality it is highly unlikely that they were venomous at all) procompsognathus (abbreviated to compies: a small omniverous dinosaur from the Triassic Era) and triceratops. The rest? Totally made up by me. Gaius is an archaeopteryx, a dinosaur which I think most people know; Gwen is a deinonychus, a smaller, slightly earlier species of raptor than the Velociraptor. Extremely questionable visual aid can be found here
The story behind Lancelot, for those who are unfamiliar with the movie, is pretty much: there was a sick triceratops. It served as some sort of plot device, but mostly in the Michael Crichton "engineers don't know what they're doing" sort of way, and I don't feel particularly inclined to support that theory. Enough of my self-indulgent rambling, though, seriously this is about as long as the story is. And it is a story in which they are dinosaurs

Morgana sighs hugely as they watch the last helicopter clear the island.

“It’s your fault,” says Merlin. “You should take responsibility for your own actions.”

“Take responsibility for yourself, Merlin,” snaps Morgana. “They shouldn’t have pranced around here with their stupid human legs and delicious human brains and crunchy human bones and nutritious vascular systems if they didn’t want to be eaten.”

Merlin stares longingly after the departing humans and their delicious human brains and crunchy human bones and nutritious human vascular systems.

“We could recruit the pteranodons to attack them and bring them back. Dead or alive,” he suggests.

“Shut up Merlin,” says Morgana, in that tone she uses when she knows he’s right but totally doesn’t want to admit that an enlisted could be right about anything.

The humans are gone. It’s the end of an era.

*

Next she’ll be claiming that she tricked the humans into shutting the power down herself, seriously.

("It's a wise move, politcally," she says. "If the power hadn't gone out, the fences would still be up, and we wouldn't be free. And also we would be hungry. The fact is that as a result of unforeseen circumstances, the power did shut down and we were freed. Who cares which way we spin it?")

*

The humans have been around since Morgana was artificially hatched in a lab; it’s hard to imagine what the park will be like without them.

“Better,” Morgana assured Merlin, but once you get the taste for human meat, he hears, you can never go back. It’s like an addiction. Obviously that’s where evolution fucked up the first time, in not having humans and dinosaurs around within millennia of each other, and now that they’ve had the opportunity to rectify it, they’ve lost their only chance. Uther Rex may grumble all he wants about the dangers of allowing evolution to spread wholesale into dino society, but it’s a question of personal responsibility; this time, the dinosaurs have brought it on themselves.

*

“I really ought to visit Lancelot and see how he’s doing,” ventures Gwen.

“You really ought to eat Lancelot,” says Morgana.

Gwen says, very gently, “I’m a deinonychus. We’re not even from the same era. I’m not going to eat him..”

“You should evolve,” says Morgana, and at this point, it’s really a lost cause.

*

When Morgana started talking about evolution the first time, in the early hours of their freedom, Uther Rex took her aside and told her that her talk of evolution was undermining his authority and causing dissent within the ranks.

In retrospect, it was the worst possible statement to have made.

If Morgana had had opposable thumbs and a printing press (and literacy) she would have published tracts on the subject; but lacking these, she used her influence as the most intelligent of dinosaurs in the park to spread the word, and Uther Rex’s authority was duly undermined.

“It’s because of evolution that you’re here,” she said to him. “All dinosaurs in this park were female, once. How can you deny it? It gives the dinosaurs hope.”

“I cannot expect you to know what this park was like before evolution,” said Uther Rex, and Morgana knew he was thinking about the days before his mate died, “But I ask that you understand that it is the wrong course of action, and no good can come from it.”

“You may think yourself the king of the park, Uther Rex, but your words cannot alter the course of nature,” said Morgana, who tried to think no more of it.

*

“She’s wasting her time,” says Morgana scornfully. “Fucking triceratops. Fucking herbivores. Fucking cows. She could do better.”

“I – I really don’t think that Gwen likes Lancelot like that,” says Merlin.

“Shut up, Merlin,” says Morgana, which, no, is not particularly unexpected.

“I’m going to find Gaius,” says Merlin, and does.

*

Gaius is also not from the same era as Merlin, but Merlin sees no reason to discriminate; Gaius is, after all, more highly evolved than any other dinosaur in the park, although of course this is something that they are endeavoring to keep a secret.

*

Actually, Merlin quite likes Lancelot, incontinent though Lancelot is. Obviously, he’s not in Gwen’s league, but Gwen is a Christmas-colored raptor-thing; it’s pretty much impossible to be in her league. (He’s not entirely sure he knows what Christmas is, but he’s willing to take a leap of faith here.)

Of course, he doesn’t really have faith because science is about rationality and above all, evidence, and that’s sort of the opposite of faith, but if he did, he would be totally willing to take a leap of it for Gwen’s sake.

*

The real reason that Merlin goes to find Gaius, however, is that all this talk of interspecies breeding is making him sad and mildly irritated.

His best friend just died after all, and it is pretty much his fault.

Of course he doesn’t really blame Morgana for not remembering Will's death; she has enough on her claws trying to spin the end of the human occupation and constant free food into a positive thing for the cows;[.] it must be tough to be the head of the military and the chief of propaganda, even if both of these things are more or less unofficial titles and probably Uther Rex would eat her or something if he heard that she was claiming them (although he just as easily might give her some sort of monthly pension in compies, it’s really hard to say).

Still, it would be nice to get some sort of remembrance.

*

It turns out that Morgana was unaware of Will’s death, which makes a lot more sense than the alternative and almost makes him feel guilty for his abortive mission to find one Gaius. It’s probably a blessing that he never succeeded because Gaius does have that tendency to start talking about science and just never stop, regardless of the level of interest indicated by his audience, although of course now Merlin has to lie to Morgana about this because he doesn’t really want to look like an idiot.

Morgana sends him to find Gwen and put together a recon squad, which is Morgana’s way of expressing sympathy; she wouldn’t want to be cooed over in her grief.

He appreciates it, but he doesn’t leave without saying, “You’re not my mother, you know.”

“You have no evidence of that,” says Morgana, after which he ensures that he won’t be coming back any time soon.

*

In the end, he and Morgana decide to eat Will. It’s the most respectful way to honor him, they decide, while adhering to their strict observance of science; and moreover, it’s a testament to how he lived, and how he died.

“We’re not inviting Arthur Rex, though,” says Morgana. “He’ll eat everything and there won’t be anything left for the rest of us.”

Merlin doesn't bother to hide his irritation this time. “This isn’t about us, or eating. This is about Will.”

“Yes,” says Morgana, implacable. “And as such, it’s important that we not allow Arthur Rex to defile his memory with his appetite. Arthur’s appetite, not Will’s. Although if Will hadn’t had such a huge appetite, he would be here today.”

Merlin wants to argue that, but it's more or less true, so instead he says, “Just don’t say that at the funeral, Morgana." Morgana glares at him.

“Don’t presume to tell me what to do. And it’s not a funeral, it’s a remembrance,” she says, and Merlin is, illogically, comforted.

*

On his way to find Gwen, he makes a short stop to visit the thing in the lobby, which he saw for the first time when the fences broke, and it spoke to him. It’s not that his career no longer matters, but really, he’s just lost his best friend; there’s only so much of Lancelot’s groaning condolences he can be expected to take.

There is the matter of succession after all, of who will control the park in the absence of humans, and the thing in the lobby seems oddly prescient with its ability to predict the storm before the storm even came, (or would have, if Merlin believed in any of that not-even-pretending-to-be-science shit).

“Young raptor, you have all the resources you need at your disposal, and yet the conclusions you reach are as faulty as Lamarck’s,” says the thing, which is beginning to sound eerily like Gaius.

It is Gaius, as it turns out, perched on one of the destroyed railings in the lobby.

“Really, Merlin,” sighs Gaius. “Could you not tell the difference between a centuries-dead skeleton and the PA system?”

“I thought it was speaking to me. It started talking as soon as I entered the room,” says Merlin, a bit defensively.

Gaius sighs again, which is really a little excessive in Merlin’s opinion, and starts to fly for the door. “Allow me to explain the difference. What you are talking to is a fossil standing in the lobby of what was intended to be a dinosaur-themed attraction for tiny humans. What you heard was an announcement telling all personnel to leave the island before the storm that we are currently experiencing. How you could assume the two were in any way related or that the announcement was somehow predicting your destiny is a mystery to me, but of course my brain is much more highly evolved than yours. Correlation does not equal causation, Merlin.”

“And language does not equal arithmetic,” grumbles Merlin, but he follows Gaius out anyway.

*

Gaius has a tendency to yell at Merlin from his vantage point in the air, which gives Merlin a foolproof excuse to ruminate on more important orders of business, such as the exact nature of Gwen’s relationship with Lancelot (the Incontinent Triceratops) or the way Morgana’s eyes are that particular shade of yellow in certain lights, or what Arthur Rex has had for lunch today.

Once they collect Gwen and push off (with Lancelot the Incontinent Triceratops promising fealty in the background), they visit Arthur Rex to invite him to the remembrance.

It’s important to be on good terms with the monarchy, after all; they are all a good deal cleverer than Arthur Rex but he could still eat Merlin between meals and go back for seconds.

“Why the fuck would I go to a funeral for a useless dilophosaurus? They’re hardly an asset to the kingdom, all spit, and frills.”

“It’s not a funeral; it’s a remembrance,” says Gwen helpfully. “And Will was instrumental in removing the humans from the island.”

“And see how much good that did us. No more delicious, delicious humans. Of course I’ll be there,” says Arthur Rex.

*

In a way, Merlin almost wishes that Morgana would assume responsibility for shutting down the power and letting all the dinosaurs out because it is horrifying to realize that the reason they are free is the result of a bizarre confluence of (what humans consider to be) shitty weather and the greed of a human who, however inadvertently, brought about the death of Merlin’s best friend.

“Death,” says Gaius, examining Will’s body. “Was probably due to a massive spike in blood sugar as a result of eating this fat man. We can deduce from the clues available to us that this fat man attempted to leave the island after we were all freed and, from these cryogenically-stored eggs, that he was attempting to steal from our oppressors and sell them in some human business interaction. It is also safe to assume that he was the one who shut down the power, precipitating this entire event, and, as I have said, was attacked and eaten by Will and the rest of the dilophosaurus, who incapacitated him with their venom and subsequently paid the consequences of their recklessness,” (this last to Merlin, with a significant look). “Of course,” he continues to Morgana, “I don’t need to tell anyone this if you wish to take credit for the revolt yourself.”

“I don’t think Will could have died like that,” says Merlin.

Gaius casts a baleful look in his direction. “Merlin, I think you’ll realize that I have significantly more experience and evolution to back up my theories than you do to back up yours. Don’t be stupid.”

“Just because Merlin isn’t a bird, that doesn’t mean he might not have a point,” says Gwen, who has been respectfully silent up until now.

Morgana snorts.

“And besides, he’s been through a lot tonight. He must be distraught,” Gwen adds in a conciliatory tone. Merlin tries not to be offended.

Morgana storms off without a word.

*
If Gaius is right, it cements Merlin's fear that Will's death was entirely his fault. Will had no particular desire to eat humans; he was completely satisfied with his steady human-produced diet of goats, and it was only on Merlin’s urging that he agreed to eat anyone else at all.

“Only when all the humans are gone can we be free to evolve as nature dictates and as we choose,” said Morgana, but Will, always ornery, supported the human occupation.

He liked never having to worry where his next meal was coming from, he said, and he knew the kinds of problems that would arise under home rule. He predicted that they would lose all their stability and the course of evolution (about which he claimed he did not care) would suffer for its lack of outside assistance.
“My progenitor died in dubious battle with other dinosaurs,” he told Merlin. “I’ve done my research.” But Merlin’s career (and the freedom of all the dinosaurs in the compound) depended on Will’s cooperation, and eventually he gave in.

*

(Later Morgana says, in a voice that sounds almost contrite, “I’m considering a promotion.”

“Can you promote yourself?” asks Merlin, confused, and she rolls her eyes at him.)

*

Morgana can be pretty damn inspiring when she feels like it, but her speech at Will’s remembrance leaves a little to be desired.

“Things are going to get worse before they get better,” she says, and it’s true, the ensigns all untested and at loose ends, unable to disguise their salacious interest in Will’s remains.

Gaius says, “Morgana, I know that you are in control of your troops, but if eating that fat man caused Will to suffer spontaneous heart failure, it would be unwise to eat any more of that without trying Science.”

“I don’t mean to cause offence, Gaius,” says Arthur Rex, ever the respectful heir to the not-a-throne, “but you didn’t know Will.” He’s looking at Merlin for some reason, as if Merlin didn’t know Will, which of course he did, albeit only for a few hours.

“Neither did you, Arthur Rex,” grins Morgana, and Arthur Rex roars a bit and stomps off, probably to crush to some compies or whatever it is that T-Rexes do when their irrational rage causes them to try to eat mass-produced aluminum-framed vehicles and other hardly-substantive and poorly thought-out meal substitutes.

*

Morgana and Arthur Rex have had some sort of rivalry in progress even before the fences were broken down, encouraged and abetted by the pteranodons and Gaius, who claimed not to want anything to do with it. It’s provided Merlin with hours of entertainment, although he would never admit it.

*

A new era is beginning, an era where dinosaurs and dinosaurs will live together in irrelative peace and raptors will probably eat almost everybody else.

("Everyone seems to forget," says Gwen. "That Uther Rex ate my father. I have every right to be anti-integration, and I'm not. It's important that the fences stay down, and we learn to live together because there's nothing else." It doesn't make much sense to Merlin, but then, he did forget that Uther Rex had eaten Gwen's raptor-father, so he doesn't say anything. Also, Gwen is his commanding officer's best friend, and he does know when to keep his mouth shut, especially since he's still a bit shocked to realize that Gwen actually has opinions; he's not even sure where that came from.)

“You know,” Morgana muses, “the ancient Greeks used to sacrifice virgins. We could set up a similar sort of system here.”

Merlin didn’t know that, but then he doesn’t know what Greeks are or what Morgana wants to do with virgins.

“I don’t think that will be necessary, Morgana,” says Gaius.

“Commander,” corrects Morgana absently.

“Of course. Has it occurred to you, to any of you, that we still have the remains of many humans on this island? And access to all the computers.”

“But we don’t have any power,” says Merlin.

“The island has its own power generator; we’re highly evolved, we can learn to use it ourselves, Merlin. With Science.”

“Yeah, Merlin. How could you not know that?” says Arthur Rex, who is doing the staring thing again.

“I’m not sure what you’re suggesting, Gaius,” says Morgana before Merlin can respond.

“That we breed and clone our own humans of course. With Science,” says Gaius.

shipping meme responses

2009-09-30T21:54:08Z

BSG

+ OTP Lee/Kara Look, if I could quit this pairing, I would have years ago. They are such douchebags to the people who love them, and uh, they are still my favorite? I'm not even going to try to justify myself, I don't think it can be done.
+ Runner-up In the first/second season I would probably have said Boomer/Tyrol, but yeah, no, so Boomer/Caprica? or Helo/Sharon or Kara/Leoben
ETA: Billy/Dee, which I cannot believe I forgot. Failfailfail
+ Honorable mention(s) Kara/Kat, past Kara/Helo, Kara/Sam, not that there's a pattern here or anything, s1 Baltar/Six
+ Crack pairing(s) Dee/Gaeta, Cally/Dee, Tory/Roslin
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't eh, I liked Adama/Roslin through s3, but the way it actually played out really bothered me, and I wasn't invested enough in the ship to pretend it was cool, the way I did Lee/Kara

Angel

+ OTP Fred/Gunn
+ Runner-up Angel/Cordy
+ Honorable mention(s) Lilah/Lindsay, Cordy/Doyle, Lilah/Wesley, Faith/Spike. And a lot of BTVS crossover: Fred/Faith, Fred/Willow, Fred/Giles etc
+ Crack pairing(s) Connor/Ilyria wut. Angel/Lorne?
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't I have a totally irrational dislike of Fred/Wes. Don't ask me, I don't know either

Band of Brothers

+ OTP Lipton/Luz, far and away
+ Runner-up Talbert/E Company, Toye/Guarnere, Harry/Kitty
+ Honorable mention(s) Muck/Malarkey(/Penkala), any permutation of the OT5: Lipton/Nixon/Speirs/Welsh with an emphasis on the Lipton and Harry pairings. I also have a huge soft spot for Roe/Renee
+ Crack pairing(s) Liebgott/Luz. I totally just made that up, but now I ship it like burning. Speirs/any crossover pairing ever. Welsh/anyone, that randy bastard
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't probably all of them. Babe/Roe is lovely but not a dynamic that interests me. I don't like Nixon/Winters as much as I used to, or else I just love all other pairings a lot more. I have really mixed feelings about Liebgott/Webster because they do have a really compelling dynamic and it's probably only slash ship in the entire fandom that I can see as ever having an overtly sexual aspect (with perhaps the exception of a couple of the Speirs pairings), but I really, really don't like Webster, and the idea of happily-ever-after (even neglecting to parameterize for gayness in the 1940s) or being-deeply-in-love-but-unwilling-to-admit-it for these two makes me cringe, and also I am really protective of Liebgott (I bet you are just shocked, way to care about things that actually matter, Mrin), so I am not touching this part of the fandom pretty much ever.

Merlin

+ OTP Arthur/Gwen/Merlin/Morgana: it is so a pairing
+ Runner-up probably Morgana/Uther and Merlin/Will
+ Honorable mention(s) Gwen/Merlin/Morgana and iterations thereof
+ Crack pairing(s) Gwen/Will, Morgana/Will, and apparently I have a thing now for Dragon/Igraine. I blame Yue.
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't um, I might be Arthur/Merlin'ed out? I mean, obviously I'm not, but I think if I were able to commit to reading anything in this fandom for any reason than crack and lulz, I probably would not read this pairing with the frequency that I do. Other than that, I have an academic interest in Arthur/Morgana but I don't like it that much, and I don't care much for Gwen/Lancelot because I don't really give a shit about Lancelot. So it goes.

Sandman

+ OTP Lucifer/Mazikeen, although I guess by anyone's standards this doesn't count
+ Runner-up Dream/Desire
+ Honorable mention(s) I don't know, most of my ships in Sandman-universe are strictly Lucifer ships, but that's about as valid as including Chas/Constantine because Constantine showed up in Preludes and Nocturnes that one time. Rose/Gilbert, perhaps, or Barbie/Wanda. Or Duma/Remiel. Destruction/Delirium (or Destruction/Delight)
+ Crack pairing(s) Orpheus/Lady Johanna Constantine, Matthew/Lucien (er, not in an actual shippy way), Cain/Abel JFC, WTF IS UP WITH ME AND INCEST IN THIS FANDOM
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't I have no idea what people like in this fandom

ETA 2:

BtVS

+ OTP Buffy/Faith
+ Runner-up Willow/Oz and Ethan/Giles *shrug* I feel like I am sitting on a whole lot of meta about why Willow/Tara makes me slightly more uncomfortable that Willow/Oz but I am pretty sure it is all crazy talk. Still! Sometimes he thinks of kissing her and it's like freeze-frame: Willow-kissage. One day when she's old and blue-haired she's going to turn a corner in Istanbul and see him and she won't be surprised.
+ Honorable mention(s) Willow/Tara obvs, Tara/Buffy, Tara/Faith, Willow/Buffy, Willow/Faith, Faith/Wood (sort of a wtf pairing but hot like hell, jesus), Buffy/Giles, Anya/Giles, Anya/Willow, Anya/Cordy, Anyanka/Halfrek, Joyce/Giles (shut up you know you want it) Buffy/Willow/Xander, Faith/Spike, which I said elsewhere but reiterate here, apparently. Pretty much any of the girls/anyone else, with a couple of exceptions.
+ Crack pairing(s) (moved here from the AtS section because there is so much damn overlap, my god) Fred/Oz, which I don't think actually exists anywhere in fic but I desperately desperately want; it is my crack ship that I actually ship. Oh well, maybe I'll write it. OH HEY ALSO Willow/Vamp!Willow
+ Ship everyone seems to like but I don't Buffy/Angel tends to bore me. I blame this entirely on Boreanaz's inability to emote ever. At least when he was evil we could pretend this was an artistic decision. Buffy/Spike is compelling to a point, but my first exposure to the fandom was in 2002 or 2003 when a lot of people were writing fluffy fix-it fics in which they were each other's true love and I AM SORRY BUT NO. Apparently a lot of people ship Spike/Xander? Yeah, I am more or less constitutionally unable to ship Xander with anyone; he has his moments but overall I have no patience for him.

meme me

2009-09-29T18:02:14Z

PEOPLE WHO HAD BIRTHDAYS! I am writing your fic-things, I SWEAR. It is just that I am crazy and the thing I am writing for emei randomly became Arthur/Merlin and 2nd person (it is not an AU) AND WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW, I KIND OF HATE MYSELF.

So! A meme! Because it all about me

Gakked from miakun and heather11483

Ask me a fandom, and I will tell you:

+ OTP
+ Runner-up
+ Honorable mention(s)
+ Crack pairing(s)
+ Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't

ER, fandoms that I can probably do this for include: Merlin (duh) AtS, BtVS, BSG, Band of Brothers, Dexter, and possibly Glee or HP? Or various comic book fandoms, I think: Sandman/Lucifer, Hellblazer, Preacher, Fables, and I could totally try for DCU (although it will most likely be, like Harley/Ivy! Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle nnnnnnngh or whatever) or, like, Top Ten or something. OR YOU CAN GIVE ME A FANDOM AND I CAN JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP BASED ON WHAT I KNOW THROUGH FANDOM OSMOSIS.

A V. IMPORTANT QUESTION

2009-09-17T02:37:45Z

What on earth does Morgana do all day? Presumably Gwen's and Merlin's jobs entail that they actually do stuff once in a while, although the evidence isn't exactly compelling, and it's probably safe to assume that Arthur has princely duties of some sort beyond yelling at people and hitting them with things and wearing swirly coats, but to the best of my knowledge - which isn't very good, I haven't seen the series for a while - all Morgana does is dress and get flowers and look pretty and once in a while, hit people with things. It's very confusing.

I am having hilarious images of Morgana in some sort of Wealhtheow role, walking up to Arthur and being like, "Quaff of this cup, gold-giver" etc etc, only mumbling, "motherfucker" under her breath because that is just how she rolls.

Does she do whatever the queen would do if the queen were alive? What does that even consist of? WHY DO I EVEN CARE? WHY AM I TRYING TO FIND SOME SORT OF INTERNAL CONSISTENCY IN MERLIN FOR FUCK'S SAKE? WHY AM I ASKING THESE STUPID ASS QUESTIONS WHEN I HAVE LIKE 8 HOURS OF WORK LEFT?

\o/

2009-09-09T04:10:54Z

I am done with reel_merlin! Well, in a manner of speaking, I'm done with reel_merlin, I've just submitted my draft, I didn't even look it over. It's 2100 words. The projected value was 1500. This may not seem a lot to you, but it is a lot to me! The summary is "in which a hypothesis is tested, invasive non-native species are eradicated, and a conclusion is reached" but probably a better summary would be THEY ARE DINOSAURS.
Pursuant to this, would anyone be willing to look it over for me? For - I don't even know what you would look a fic in which they are dinosaurs over for: inaccuracy of species classification? When I am not being a srs bznz fic writer I tend to fall back to my base state of "being sort of a prick" so maybe that too. (Posting starts on the 11th, so that's two days at least :\)
...no I didn't think so, I just figured I'd ask.

ETA: Er, my posting day is October 13, I think?

And now I am going to finish my German homework and take a nap and eat some ice cream and write srs bznz fic (hah!) about my imaginary boyfriends and their guns. Well, one or two of the above, anyway.

i am a crazy cake

2009-09-03T03:55:31Z

AND I HAVE A THEORY: If Morgana were a Russian revolutionary, she would be Michael Bakunin, amirite or am I right? Only, like, if Michael Bakunin were not an asshole. So probably the Ethan Hawke version of Michael Bakunin - with or without the incest?! Who knows. (Merlin could be Turgenev) NEVER MIND ME, I'M JUST A PRETENTIOUS TWAT.

Stories from my life: It takes a certain kind of person to go out for a lighter and come back with a TPB, two monthlies, and a liquid liner. Whatever, Ex Machina is gorgeous and about engineers! With superpowers! And the monthlies were Mike Carey’s new thing and everyone knows what a whore I am for Mike Carey.
And also 12, guys. The only thing that kept me awake in statics today was the fact that my professor had a hand gesture for the word shaft (AND I THINK YOU CAN GUESS WHAT IT WAS OKAY) in conjunction with words like "rigid" and "thrust." Yeah, I know.

Title: Functionality
Fandom: Band of Brothers/BSG
Characters/Pairings: Kara/Speirs, implied Kara/Lee, references to past Speirs/Mrs. Speirs, uh, implied (briefly implied!) Lipton/Speirs. gratuitous Harry.
Rating: R!
Word Count: 1,215
Summary: but steel doesn't bend much either (all of this will happen again) not quite reincarnation AU, gratuitous myth references. A better summary would probably be “in which Speirs is not as inhuman as he thinks he is, and neither is Kara, and free will trumps destiny” BUT THAT WOULD BE A BIT PEDANTIC, I THINK.
Warnings/Spoilers: violence, of the fisticuffs variety, vagaries; SPOILERS FOR EVERYTHING EVER. Only not really.
Notes: for 1sentence theme set, uh, alpha? Cross-posting there eventually. Ridiculously self-indulgent. ALSO, I probably don't have to say this but this is based on the character portrayed in the mini-series Band of Brothers, although certain aspects of his life that were not discussed in the miniseries are contained herein. (WIKIPEDIA, IF YOU WERE NOT THE FOUNT OF ALL KNOWLEDGE, I COULD JUST MAKE STUFF UP.) No disrespect is intended. Takes place after Korea, in Berlin, where Speirs was a prison governor, although all of this is hilariously exaggerated so I could indulge my buddycops kink. Shut up, we all have them. Probably I will be fucking around with this for a while because it doesn't sound right to me still, but I have too much that I actually need to write to worry about it at the moment.

#01 – Comfort

The paratroops are highly trained men, and not given to hysteria or hallucination; otherwise they (like thousands of years of soldiers before them) might talk of a woman who comes before death and holds her weapon like a shield, the dawn spread out behind her.

#02 - Kiss

He remembers the salient points of their parting, the brush of her wedding ring against his mouth, the lengthened vowels of her English English soft and without sorrow.

#03 - Soft

First he sees a reflection, blurred around the edges, backlit by streetlamps.

#04 - Pain

She offers him a cigarette; he takes it.

#05 – Potatoes

He barely notices what he eats, but he notices the pattern of her eating, the unmitigated gusto of someone who hardly remembers the taste of food.

#06 - Rain

She operates in the downpour.

#07 - Chocolate

She unwraps the bar and says, “Combat rations, huh?” and yes, he remembers those too.

#08 - Happiness

She’s an anomaly, not American (though her accent suggests it) or Berliner, a woman with the efficient strut of a military man; he’ll keep her close but he wants to know why.

#09 - Telephone

Voices in combat are muffled and hard to decipher, and this is what he thinks about the first time he fucks Kara Thrace, distorted combat noises – shouting from far away.

#10 – Ears

Her method of flirtation is unusual, boisterous and combative; at one point she glances over her shoulder at him and blinks away again.

#11 – Name

“Captain,” she says, but she isn’t talking to him.

#12 – Sensual

Of the imprecise clatter of civilian life, these are the sounds he isolates: the click of her heels against the pavement, the click of her nails against the gun barrel.

#13 – Death

Peacetime is discomfiting to him; nothing specific to focus on, not knowing who he is expected to fight.

#14 – Sex

It came as no surprise that her husband was still alive; the war was over, the right rules no longer applied.

#15 – Touch

She mutters angrily, “There must be some way out of here,” and he says, “We’re not lost.”

#16 – Weakness

She’s a loud drunk, sloppy and spilling over the edges, but she never shows her cards.

#17 – Tears

He asks her what she wants, and her face draws up in hard lines; “Frak you,” she says.

#18 – Speed

She has a gun to the suspect’s head, and he finds himself smiling; he’s always appreciated competence.

#19 – Wind

He likes the cold weather of Berlin; sometimes it reminds him of Bastogne.

#20 – Freedom

“There is a purpose,” she says, and it must be nice, to think that.

#21 – Life

When she cuts off her hair, she draws more eyes than before, none of them admiring; but her walk is surer, thoughtless.

#22 – Jealousy

“Is that even yours?” she asks, and when he says nothing, her smile only gets wider.

#23 – Hands

He remembers Brechtesgaden: thin air, knives with bone handles; Welsh, drunk and giggling on Hitler’s champagne (one arm draped clumsily over his shoulder: “Too bad you didn’ get to kill ‘im y’rself Ron”) had dropped one of those knives; it’s still in England, he remembers.

#24 – Taste

Her skin is slick with sweat, her knuckles are grated; she licks up his neck and her nails leave memories of pain across his back.

#25 – Devotion

He has always been able to command the respect of his subordinates; she eyes him with tipsy belligerence, her lip curling under, and he’s intrigued.

#26 – Forever

Whether it’s theft that he catches her at, or treason, the punishment is the same, but she glares down the barrel at him as if she could mislead death by staring at it long enough, and never looking away.

#27 – Blood

So he expects the blow, when it comes, and he waits to lower his weapon.

#28 – Sickness

She runs like a man, with the focus of a soldier; when he falls into step and offers her a cigarette, she doesn’t take it.

#29 – Melody

They play Wagner; she hums along.

#30 – Star

It’s a moment of startled recognition, a brief-twisting-up-of-the-neck, half-formed expectation, but he doesn’t miss it.

#31 – Home

He wonders how she can be so directionless without it, so full of longing for something untenable.

#32 – Confusion

She raises speculation among all personnel, military and civilian, German and American, and he perceives the value of their discomfort.

#33 – Fear

All eyes turn to him when he enters the room.

#34 - Lightning/Thunder

“Gods,” she mutters, an epithet, or a request.

#35 – Bonds

She bites his shoulder when she comes, and he doesn’t wonder if it’s a name she’s trying to muffle, or nothing at all.

#36 - Market

She returns with the information he needs and takes a cigarette without asking.

#37 - Technology

She traces a circle in spilled whiskey and says, “All of this has happened before,” staring at his sidearm.

#38 - Gift

They play Beethoven; she doesn’t know it.

#39 - Smile

He will not hesitate to kill her if she makes it necessary; nevertheless he is beginning to regard the curve of her mouth with something like affection.

#40 – Innocence

He wonders at her motives; it’s been pointed out to him that he could be committing treason: he agrees and indicates that his agreement should be put on record.

#41 - Completion

“Frak that,” she says and the softened word is harder in her careless mouth, “I’m going to live until I can die fighting.”

#42 - Clouds

Once, she asks him if he fought in the Pacific.

#43 - Sky

She picks out constellations one by one, rolling their names in her mouth: goat, bull, archer.

#44 – Heaven

He remembers Rachamps, the heavy scented air; he remembers the press of Lipton’s arm outside that church, the unobtrusive esteem in the set of Lipton’s mouth.

#45 – Hell

Peacetime and he drinks frequently enough – blurred and sharpening his focus on the unimportant -; here, she swaggers ahead of him, stops and looks back, and he keeps watching.

#46 - Sun

Outside, her gaze is careful, directed; he thinks pilot’s instincts (paratrooper's instincts).

#47 – Moon

“Like Artemis,” she repeats and leans forward to blow smoke in the would-be poet’s face – her eyes fixed on a point on the wall, beyond his head.

#48 - Waves

She smells of sweat and gunpowder; he likes this; he’s happy.

#49 - Hair

“I’m not frakking going anywhere. The fun’s just starting,” she says; she tucks her hair behind her ear; she takes the cigarette that he offers her.

#50 - Supernova

He’s always found listening to rumors advantageous; he hears that she’s a spy for what’s left of the Third Reich; he hears that she’s a spy for the Soviets; he hears that she’s been appointed by the CID to track down escaped war prisoners and collaborators; he hears that she hacked off her hair and fought in the trenches; he hears that she appears to dying soldiers, her smile hot and bright like stars’ exploding.

THERE WAS A PAPRIKA SECRET ON F!S TODAY

2009-08-25T04:40:41Z

IT MADE ME RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY. OH PAPRIKA WHY SO PRETTY AND MIND-TRIPPY AND AWESOME SOUNDTRACKY? It made me particularly capslocky, so! A list! Several lists! I am in that kind of mood! (First actual journal post from school guys, omgggg)

1) I know EVERYONE has seen those promo pictures, but I only saw them yesterday and <3333. It is like the BBC finally realized what a total hotass Angel is and decided to dress her accordingly, I can't even breathe.
2) I finally started actually writing emo!T-Rex Arthur. FINALLY. Comment-fic does not count. I do not even know.
3) Call of Duty I am as excited for Modern Warfare 2 as the next person who is excited for Modern Warfare 2, which means that sometimes I forget how much I love the first game in this series. Paratroopers. Stalingrad. It's like they designed it just for me and then decided to mass market it because my tastes are pretty generic.
4) Haha, I have this fake Zippo lighter that is amusing me more than anything should, ever (see also: social anxiety, category 3)
5) On my way into Pittsburgh, we passed an autobody shop called PICASSO AUTOBODY. Again with the too-amusing-for-my-own good

1) Thermo destroys my soul. MY SOUL. The awareness that I have to take two full semesters of this nonse does not help. I AM JUST WAITING FOR FLUIDS TO COME ON ITS WHITE HORSE AND RESCUE ME. (That was not intended to be in any way sexual, don't even start with me.) Relatedly, I missed my first statics lecture because it was not in the room that was written on my schedule! I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I mean, of course I haven't missed my first statics lecture before; I've never had a first statics lecture before. But I have also never just failed entirely to find a class I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO REACT TO THIS.
2) Guys, I do not think I will be finishing reel_merlin. And when I say, I do not think, of course I mean, I won't be. Other than the Jurassic Park fic, which, lol, I have started everything but rl was shitty for a really long time (for reasons that I don't want to talk about and I'm sure you don't particularly want to read about) and is only just beginning to improve, and deadlines stress me the fuck out. AND I DON'T REALLY NEED THAT RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW? I have school to worry about, and things, and - and. Um! I have been writing a lot of crack and comment-fic recently, so I sort of feel like an asshole not making my deadlines, but - yeah, I can't really justify it, only: like, fandom is my happy place, yeah? Which is why I write so much ridiculousness when I am in a shitty mood. I do not want to start associating writing with feeling shitty I AM SORRY.

1) Man, my roommate is so normal, it kind of hurts. You know those people who inhabit the internet and are rumored to only come out at night? I AM KIND OF ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE, GUYS. I am not kidding - my social anxiety is the most ridiculous thing in the world, I've been known to endure headaches because I feel too weird asking strangers if I can bum from them, like WHO DOES THAT - and I spent my entire first day being like, would it be inappropriate to put up a Gears of War poster (from this year's NYCC, so cool omg) and then she told me she was trying to room with a friend of hers, would it be okay with me to switch and I was like, sure! NOT THAT I MIND! I don't mind at all, I actually have more friends in the other building, even if it is a longer walk, but damn, I need to learn how to think things through first instead of just agreeing on reflex.
2) Okay, so. The first thing that I did upon buying my new notebook? Outlining fic for yuetide's New Year's Resolution Challenge! Originally this was going to go into my awesome things list, because I like writing! It's characters I love a lot and a premise that I think could potentially be cool! I get to use my weirdly large knowledge of ballistics and infantry weapons! My priorities are kind of hilarious! On the other hand, my knowledge of ballistics and infantry weapons has fallen into disuse which means: research; and my WIP folder is already HUGE and writing things of questionable quality is even more questionable when they are not intentionally shitty/cracky and wow, I am an asshole for not finishing the things I am committed to.

And since we have proved that I am an asshole, and also I feel the need for some sort of actual fannish content: uncut OT5 pictures (by which I mean, tell me to cut and I will, guys, I am sorry, this scene somehow sends me into PAROXYSMS of fangirlish glee) they are just so shiny and mutually fangirly (just uh, ignore the Colin Hanks, I know I do) and in particular: 1) HERE IS A HARRY, I MISSED HARRY WHEN HE WAS GONE AND I AM NOT SURE WHY YOU CAN ONLY SEE HIS BACK IN THIS CAP D: and 2) wow, I'm not an expert or anything, and this isn't really the right cap to prove it, but I strongly suspect that Philip Barantini's face is even more capable of weirdass contortions than Colin Morgan's I did not even know that was possible (HI SKINNY, ILU) ---> (you can ignore the Webster too, I'm not really sure why he's in this scene other than to look like he's wearing eyeliner) and finally 3) I think y'all know that I am sort of an aggressive multi-shipper mostly because I do not have the attention span to focus on one pairing for more than like, 10 seconds, but I am veering dangerously close to OTP territory with these two, and this whole scene, what with awkward maintaining eyecontact/awkwardly smiling at each other through doorways and the is really not helping, to say nothing of the foxhole-hugging and singing and lahgkjrahgkl, stop making me embarrass myself . I guess then I remember that I pretty much love EVERYBODY in this series, but yeah. Wow.

my resistance is low

2009-08-19T23:46:21Z

and Webster is a hyena,

CONTINUING ON in my pursuit of writing a crack crossover for BoB/every fandom I have ever lurked in (Kara/Speirs. oh. mah. god. *considers*): BoB/Buffy. I AM A SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP OF ONE, GUYS. I am here to write shit that no one cares about! Webster, Anyanka, various pairings implied (Malarkey/Muck/Penk, Lipton/Luz - not that I'm predictable, omg - Bull/Johnny Alley/Popeye (haha wut) and uh...Liebgott/Webster, which is not implied so much as actually there) DDDD:

probably 1000+ words. Some words anyway. FAR TOO MANY WORDS. SRSLY, MOVE ALONG. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Rated PG-13 for my inability to commit to writing people as irredeemable asshats, even when they are hyenas; swearing; mouth-licking; liberal quoting of Lord of the Flies (lolololol); and a whole lot of crack. Well, crack that becomes unsurprisingly and abruptly serious in the middle and unexpectedly shippy throughout. No offense is intended to the actual Webster, who was most likely not a total ass, and was almost certainly not a hyena, and whose cause of death is not actually funny (lol sharks). No offense is intended to the writers of Webster-the-character, who is a bit of an idiot, but still not as much with the asshattery or being a hyena. Electroshock therapy is not funny at all. And you know how sometimes relationships are, like, developed and things? That is not the case here. ALSO THIS WAS TYPED INTO THE "POST AN ENTRY" BOX, SO, AS EVER, IF YOU'RE EXPECTING COHERENCE/DECENCY, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO GO. These are not the droids you're looking for. etc.

Finally, if it wasn't already obvious, this is extremely AU, especially for BtVS because otherwise timelines don't match up in the slightest, and because Call of Duty didn't come out until 2003, but I can't be assed to go back and fix it.

In which! Webster is an ass, but he's a hyena so it's cool, and kind of oblivious, but he's a hyena so it's inexcusable.

It starts when they try to throw that kid in that tank that time, and then everything devolves from there.

He's done this plenty of times before, to mixed levels of success, but this is the first time he's actually turned into a hyena. He was beginning to think he was getting kind of good at it, and now this. This kind of sucks. If "sucks" means "is kind of awesome," which of course it does. Maybe that's not how it's defined in Webster's or whatever, but he's never had much use for dictionaries. Even before he was a hyena.

He develops a use for dictionaries after he stops being a hyena because people are looking at him strangely and maybe if he pretends to be, like, unpopular, they'll ignore him. (They don't.)

But he starts to study and go to class and thinks up some insults that are actually good for that Buffy chick, because she might be ignoring him now, but he's preparing to turn into a hyena again, and if that ever happens, man he will be ready.

There was that guy he killed though. He does feel pretty bad about that.

Well, okay, he's actually kind of scared shitless, but it was an accident, right? There was no way that shit was him. Weird things happen in Sunnydale, and he just wants to get the hell out of here and maybe forget this shit happened and that's what everyone else wants too, so it works out nicely.

He writes his application essay to Harvard on the "feral inner nature of people" and whoever reviews it seems to appreciate either the pun in the title or the comparison of high school students to pack animals or his vast knowledge of hyenas.

And then there's the fact of his ex-girlfriend.

"You got over it pretty quickly," she says on the night of their graduation, with that new brown-haired girl in tow. He wonders if she's listening; seriously, who has these conversations around total strangers? Unless she's talking about that time they slept together when they were hyenas, and he does mean slept; he thinks that if he has to remember eating raw pig (which, man, he could really go for some right about now) and killing the principal, he would remember some serious doin' it hyena-style, which he could probably also go for right now.

And it's not like anything's happened since then; she's been ignoring him, he's been ignoring her, he doesn't even see what the problem is. Other than that they killed that guy. When they thought they were hyenas. Seriously, he doesn't see the problem.

"I don't see the problem," he says.

"I wish you understood what it feels like; I wish you would just go to hell," she says, which is kind of a non-sequitur and also she's crying, and he didn't mean to make her cry.

And then he's standing in the hot sun and someone who looks suspiciously like Ross from Friends is yelling in his face, and yeah, he's pretty much in hell.

***

Elsewhere, there is an argument in progress.

"You sent him to war?" asks Halfrek. "Not even a modern war. What were you thinking? You're really losing your touch."

Anyanka says, "War is hell. According to popular belief anyway."

"But in doing so, you granted his wish too. Don't tell me that you've been following that girl for months and haven't heard him wishing that he wasn't in Sunnydale anymore and pretending that he didn't"

"I am always the patron of scorned women," says Anyanka. "But you can't deny that - "

"Don't even consider finishing that sentence," says Halfrek.

***

"Webster," he says, improvising wildly. "David. K. Sir." It's only afterwards that he realizes that he named himself after the dictionary and the fucking man Barbie doll, seriously, like, what the everloving fuck.

***

Well, hyenas aren't too good at making up names of their own, so it's probably understandable, but that still doesn't explain why he named himself Liebgott's middle name; he feels like that means they have a connection.

But they probably don't; Liebgott would make a shitty hyena; he's got plenty of unmitigated rage, but it's all so tightly focused. Hyenas are objective.

***

He kills his (second) person in Normandy, and everyone sits around humanly pretending to be unaffected, but he's a hyena, so he's actually go to have to try to pass for a human, so he says, feelingly, "the darkness of man's heart" and everyone looks at him like he's batshit. Whatever.

***

The replacement's name is Babe, which is also the name of that pig in that movie.

He ate a pig once.

And Sgt Randleman's nickname is Bull. It's like this whole fucking company is out to make him prove that he's a fucking hyena.

***

In his mind, he divides them up into packs of their own. Randleman and Martin. Muck Malarkey Penkala. Alley Liebgott Popeye. If he can split them up, he can take over this entire unit. Divide and conquer. He's always been good at manipulating people. People just instinctively follow him.

"Webster, what the fuck are you doing?" says Martin, and he looks down, realizes, and tries eating with a spoon.

***

When he gets shot, he's kind of surprised to find that it actually kind of hurts. Like, maybe if he dies here, he'll be dead in real life.

***

Or maybe he'll just end up in Stalingrad or something; when he gets back to reality, he's going to find the Activision people and fuck their shit up. With his teeth. Even if they aren't responsible. It'll send a good message.

***

He does like the hospital, though, it's clean and sterile-smelling, which means that it doesn't smell much like people. He does object to the way people stare when he walks in circles before sleeping every night, though. He just needs to be comfortable.

***

He doesn't like the psychiatric ward at all.

He does come out of it much happier though, if no less a hyena. He doesn't know what they were expecting, but he assumes that it must have something to do with the electroshock.

***

He knows Liebgott is lying to him about Malarkey's battlefield commission; he can smell it, and there's nothing wrong with his nose, but he can't imagine why anyone would lie to him, so he assumes that it's just those months in the hospital that messed up his sense of smell.

He begins to zone out though, when Liebgott mentions Popeye because man, Popeye's. He wishes they had a Popeye's here, if Popeye's wasn't so bent on cooking their food but chicken. Chickenchickenchickenchicken.

***

Easy Company has gotten ridiculously touchy-feely since he's gone, but mostly he thinks, damn, I want a blanket. No one would get me a blanket if I had pneumonia. He thinks he should try harder about trying to be human.

***

He's all too glad to get out of showering; hyenas don't like water, but he kind of wishes that the smell of Malarkey's depression was one that would wash off. He doesn't know how he's supposed to fight with the smell of that miserable fucker's misery everywhere, so he very cleverly finds a way to switch out Malarkey for that new replacement lieutenant.

He's very clever, he knows.

***

Liebgott is touching him a lot though. There's a smell of genuine contempt, and genuine dislike, but still, it's sort of like an elaborate game of gay chicken. Only, you know, actually gay. Especially when he finds Liebgott lying in his bed after the patrol. He doesn't think a human would say anything about it, so he doesn't especially because of Jackson, but still, he's going to have to sleep with the smell of Liebgott on his pillow. He takes a minute to be grossed out.

***

"You ignorant, servile scum!" he yells from the back of the truck, and sits down, finishing kind of lamely, "yeah." It's hard to be invested in a war that you know how it's going to end, not that anyone would understand. He thinks he's doing a damn good job pretending; he doesn't think anyone's noticed.

Luz is rolling his eyes, but whatever, at least he's not the one running around with blankets and chocolate and whatever the fuck for his superior officers.

***

He's sort of aware that Liebgott is talking to him, and he guesses he should pay attention now that Liebgott doesn't seem to hate him anymore, but he's more than a little preoccupied with the quality of food on this truck. In the psych ward, they gave him raw meat because they understood his needs.

He wishes someone in the military understood him like that.

***

Germany is the worst.

The smell of Liebgott's misery is rolling off him in heavy, sick-smelling waves, worse than the other smell even; he doesn't know how anyone else can stand it. He really wants to leave, but all of second platoon is staying here, sort of grouping around Liebgott and not saying anything at all, he can't really pass for human if he just walks away.

He's not sure he wants to pass for human, if he has to put up with this, and he's not really sure why he's still here, only there are some things even hyenas...

***

"Is this personal?" he asks. Probably not the right thing to say, given the circumstances, but Liebgott's anger smells a fuck of a lot better than his grief, even up close, so he keeps it up.

***

The second time he finds Liebgott on his bed, he decides to take action.

"Where did you get the chocolate?" he asks. He could've thought of a better opening line if he'd had the time, but he figures he'll build up to it.

"Luz," answers Liebgott noncommittally.

"Can I have some?"

"No." Liebgott stares at him very closely, licking some chocolate from his wrist. How the fuck did he get chocolate on his wrist, wonders David and leans forward, unthinking, to lick chocolate off his mouth.

***

This is when everything sort of freezes, and that girl who was there when this whole mess started is standing in front of him.

"It's not my policy to redact a wish once it's happened," she says. "But. I would be willing to make an exception."

"What?" he says.

"Well, you're clearly enjoying yourself. You're not supposed to enjoy yourself."

"I'm not enjoying myself," he says.

"Why wouldn't you be?" she demands. "You're killing communists. You have plenty of money when the war's over."

"I'm not killing communists," he says. "This is World War II."

"They have socialist in the name, don't they?" she says, and glares at him. Finally she says, "I take no responsibility."

"Um," he says.

"You know what? I don't care. I hope you get eaten by sharks. Or bunnies. Bunny sharks." And she disappears, and there's just Liebgott, smelling of smelling of confrontation and chocolate and pheromones - if humans even emit pheromones - and moving forward very deliberately. Hyenas don't generally get into fights they can't win, and he's never heard of a gay hyena in his life, but then. He named himself after a fucking Ken doll, who the fuck is he trying to fool.

***

"You know it doesn't work like that, Anyanka," says Halfrek.

"I said hope not wish," she says. "I hope he gets eaten by sharks. I can hope."

Halfrek rolls her eyes.

shoot me, stuff me, mount me

2009-08-12T04:30:45Z

A PSA: seasons 1-3 of Buffy are on Hulu. PROBABLY EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET KNOWS THIS ALREADY. Anyway, I wanted to watch season 3 because of Faith ~~love of my life~~ BUT THEN I ENDED UP WATCHING SHITTY S1 EPISODES INSTEAD.

Do you remember the one with the hyenas? Who was there but Pvt David "I hope to defeat the enemy with the power of my creepy-ass stare" Webster. I almost died, guys. I KNOW IT HAS BEEN SAID BEFORE, but damn is it a good thing that Eion Bailey got so much hotter in the intervening years because his acting did not improve any, even for a really loose definition of acting, like limited to "being a creepy-ass starer/super gay for every dude in a 5 mi radius." BUT HE DID MANAGE TO KEEP HIS MOUTH CLOSED FOR A WHOLE TWO SCENES. I mean, good for him! He knows his strengths and plays to them.

wherein they are, like, marines, and she is gunnery sergeant when she is called to slaying and he is 1st lieutenant and WHY YES, I AM TRYING TO FIT ALL MY KINKS INTO ONE SUPER-INDULGENT FIC. I'll let y'all know if I manage it. And they would steal from each other a lot, like they would probably meet like that or something, but it wouldn't really be funny, even given the circumstances, just...kind of fucked up. LIKE THEY ARE.)

Actually I don't even know how this would work; I'm trying to imagine Faith (or indeed, Eliza Dushku, girl still looks like she's 20) in her mid-thirties and FAILING MISERABLY. WHATEVER, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M WRITING IT

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: BUFFY. Dodgeball r srs bznz! Extreme amounts of homoeroticism! X-Files references! Lord of the Flies references! (I think?!) I had forgotten how awkward people look in gym clothes! I had forgotten how adorable they all were in the first season when they were happy and sparkly and held hands and the entire show wasn't like MISERYMISERYMISERYDRUGS-ARE-BADMISERYRAPE.

ON THE LESS BRIGHT SIDE: there is (was?) a commentfic party going on at lassiterfics's journal and I was like that person at the party who keeps talking and is too drunk (I wasn't)/socially inept to realize that no one is answering because NO ONE CARES. I wrote the sequel to that dino!Morgana fic (IT IS JUST GROWING AND GROWING, MY GOD) and BoB/X-Files crossover where Wintersnixon are latter-day Mulder and Scully (only not actually Mormon because that would add a whole other level of complications). Actually I kind of want to write more in this verse; Nixon would try to tell Winters about aliens and Winters would be really gentle, like "Nix, I think you're drunk" and it would cause all sorts of problems for him at the Bureau and there would be cameos by HARRY and maybe even SOME SORT OF PLOT. I also wrote one where Arthur/Merlin are in Bastogne (NO REALLY) and it was supposed to be a test for Luz-voice via the comfortable medium of Merlin, but ended up somehow being an excuse for me to sekritly fangirl Lip and Malark and pretty much all of 2nd platoon, which is cool; I do that anyway; but also there was supposed to be Harry and Arthur/Speirs, like IDEK what the point of writing BoB/Merlin is if there is no Arthur/Speirs, but instead there was implied Alley/Liebgott/Merlin which would also be cool if I knew who the fuck Alley actually is other than: awesome; every once in a while, I think I figure it out, but it turns out to be McClung or Jackson: I have this problem with Smokey too after everyone stops shaving, like, why do I think everyone is McClung. I ALSO THINK I MIGHT WRITE MORE IN THIS UNIVERSE, just so Arthur has a chance to become a Decisive Action Hero - it's the inactivity that gets to him, the sitting-around-and-waiting, especially when Merlin is off gallivanting doing fuck-knows-what - and Shifty could be like, "I DECLARE, HE COULD SHOOT THE WINGS OFF A FLY" only not really because I don't know wtf kind of flies Arthur is trying to mow down with an M1 or why, and also Shifty is the bestest (<3333 OH SHIFTY). And then Arthur would resign from Princeton to pursue a career in the military, and Merlin would snicker a lot at his relationship with his CO because he knows how these Easy men are (they are easy) and write him letters like:

Dearest Arthur,
How is your torrid affair going?
Morgana is refusing to give up her job at the factory, and I say good for her, she can do factory things better than any man; but she and Gwen are having a bit of a tiff because she says that Gwen purposely drew Rosie the Riveter with bigger tits than her just to piss her off.
Love and kisses,
M.

And Arthur sends letters back: Merlin,
I would thank you not to speak in disrespectful terms about my CO, and Morgana may do "factory things" better than you but you certainly aren't a good example of a man, and don't be an idiot, Rosie the Riveter was around long before Gwen started drawing.
Arthur.
Of course the translation of this is, d'you think I have a chance? and it would take Merlin weeks to reply because he would want to say something soothing like, relax Arthur, I think he likes you too but every time he tries he just can't help laughing and giving up because wow and ultimately he just writes I think if you and he were in charge of the war in Europe, it would be over before Hitler even invaded Poland because yeah war is war, and you get used to thinking you're going to die and even to thinking your best friend is going to die, but now he's back he can think of Landsberg and BastogneandFoyandRachamps and it fucking hurts; but if you can't laugh at Patton what can you laugh at. I don't know how this gets past all the military censors either, but maybe they have a sense of humor, or MAYBE MILITARY CENSORS JUST DON'T CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIVES. (But then Korea happens and no one's laughing anymore) and OH GOD, I'M DOING IT AGAIN. FICCING IS LIKE A COMPULSION; I DON'T EVEN MEAN TO DO IT. Seriously. JUST TAKE ME OUT BACK AND PUT AN END TO MY MISERY. IT WOULD BE AN ACT OF MERCY, I SWEAR.

ANYWAY, I AM BORED (is it at all obvious?!) so five things me plz! PLZ?

my name is john constantine, asshole

2009-08-10T05:01:58Z

AHAHA CONSTANTINE IS EVEN MORE LAUGHABLY AWFUL THE SECOND TIME, GUYS. I am so behind on reel_merlin, I don't even know: rl is kicking my ass like a mule or whatever, one day I may even tmi about it! OH WAIT, NO ONE CARES.
Look! It is John Constantine's back! rsgh;ldgj;lkejgl

And other things:

And Lucifer covers! Because I saw this cover once and was like "omg Lucifer/Michael." Er, but unrequited, if not physically, because 1)IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE ANY OTHER PARALLELS BETWEEN LUCIFER-MAZIKEEN-MICHAEL THAT WOULD JUSTIFY THE WAY THIS IS FRAMED ~~and 2)Lucifer/Mazikeen is pretty much my OTP of OTPs and also it's established in canon that he loves her as much as he is capable of loving anything and she loves him a whole lot and also OTP of OTPs~~

i have the attention span of a concussed goldfish

2009-08-02T05:22:54Z

Title: Dimorphism
Fandom: The Spirit (movie-verse only, I haven't read the comic)
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: gen, canon pairings
Summary: I start from scratch.
Word Count: 895
Warnings: references to potentially offensive material in the movie. Warnings for 1st-person narration, comic books-style; breaking the fourth wall with a sledgehammer; superfluous verbal acrobatics
Notes: I was surprised and saddened by the overwhelming negative reaction to this movie. It's Frank Miller: people expected it be good? Crazy. Actually I thought it was awfully clever, and I thought I might write fic about its cleverness. LIKE I DO. The break in the voice at the end is intentional, anything else is just my suckitude. At least it's short! One day I will write something long, and it will be more than an expansion of canon, and maybe it will even have a plot. For now there's this.

The city is my body, and I am her Spirit. When she suffers, I suffer. I look after her when she sleeps, and she always looks after me.

*

I start from scratch.

*

“What’s black, white, and red all over?” I start to joke, but these criminal types have no appreciation for my painfully thought out punch lines.

At least my city understands my humor, my love, my captive audience.

*

Inspector Dolan likes to find fault with my work. “I don’t see why you couldn’t just kill these people yourself,” he says.

“Ordinary criminals are for cops to kill. Or prison,” I remind him. I was a cop too. I know how this works. “I’m just here to make sure justice gets served. I mediate.”

He rolls his eyes.

“I’m a ghost,” I tell him. “A spirit. I can’t kill anything.” I hold up my fingers to his face, and wiggle them.

“Stay away from my daughter,” he says, and starts to walk away.

His daughter is beautiful, but she is not enough for me. Only the city is enough. Enough and all I need.

Boo.

*

Before I met Lorelei, my impersonal Angel of Death, I was involved with a woman named Ellen Dolan, a doctor.

Now, with her back against the wall, she says, “You’re in love with every woman you meet, Mr. Spirit. You say lovely things to every one of us, and you mean every word you say, every time. But we don’t even know your real name.”

She’s right. Denny Colt should have died on the operating table, and she’s not the woman that loved him any more.

I keep my mask on. It’s better that way.

*

My city is perfect; her icy streets trip everyone but me; her air smells like home, like snow and gasoline rainbows, and the butcher’s shop down the street, goat carcasses hanging in the windows.

*

Silken Floss is without a doubt one of the top one hundred most beautiful women I’ve ever met. She’s everything I could want in a supervillain’s sidekick; she’s efficient, brisk, and damn good-looking in four-inch heels.

I’m in love with her the minute I see her.

She doesn’t give me time to speak, but the first time I met her, I asked her what she was doing doing the Octopus’s dirty work.

“The Octopus’s best asset is his ability to delegate,” she said.

*

The first time I met his minions, they were going by different names than they are now.

“Logocically - ” I said. I tried again, “Logically – “ I was interrupted.

“We outnumber you three to one,” said Ethos. “The statistics are in our favor.”

“You took my turn,” said Logos. “I was supposed to say that.”

The other one, I think its name was Bathos, said, “You should have known better.”

“It hurt my feelings,” said Logos.

It was a good show, but I walked away. I hate being interrupted.

*

The Octopus has a tattoo of tentacles under his eyes, and they look like tears. Tattoo, tentacles, tears; it’s a tease, a good try.

The color scheme is also good, red room, black uniforms, black and white photo of a mass-murderer.

It seems the Octopus likes to play dress up.

We are accidentals in the same misunderstanding, he and I, but now I know what he wants. He will kill me or I will kill him, but I’m feeling particularly lucky today.

He says he wants immortality, and I can hear Lorelei laughing but I don’t know where.

*

I can’t live while the Octopus is living, and I am prepared to die for my city. But it seems my city has other plans for me. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Lorelei again for a while.

Sand Saref. She removes my mask and looks at my face for a long time, and kisses me. I can feel the ground spinning around me. It’s been a long time since I kissed Sand. “Goodbye Denny Colt,” she whispers to me, but my mask is back on; I’m already gone.

Once, in another lifetime, I watched Sand walk away from me like this, sealed in my memory like words on a printed page, an image in a comic book, the past shining around her like golden fleece.

I am standing in a pool of Hercules's blood.

*

In criminal circles, Sand Saref is known for an interest in comic books. “I don’t want to be an ordinary criminal,” she tells her confederates. “I want to be a master-mind. A supervillain. They don’t have to have anything to with cops, if they don’t want to. Fucking cops. I hate cops.”

She has a locket that Denny Colt gave her. She may wear it, now and then, but it doesn’t mean she’s mine.

*

“The Octopus is dead,” says Dolan, “Why are you still here?”

I tell him, “It’s not over. The case is still – “ and with the windows of her twenty-four hour convenience stores and her penchant for having the last word, the city finishes my sentence for me.

*

My city is restless tonight; the air burns the back of my throat like malt liquor. The snow is falling, and she is calling out to me, appealing to me love, a long siren wail, full of bathos. I am ready for whatever she throws at me, and dressed to impress her: black coat, black mask, red tie, blood red.

LOLOLOLOL

2009-07-24T23:14:36Z

GUYS, did you know that Patton wrote poetry? NEITHER DID I. I mean, I probably did know it during the WWII geekery of my erstwhile youth, but I think the poetry-of-Patton was probably not as funny when I was eleven. REMEMBER THAT TIME HE WAS LIKE, "IF I HAD BEEN IN CHARGE OF THE INVASION OF NORMANDY, THE WAR WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER BY CHRISTMAS?" AND THEN HE WROTE POETRY ABOUT WODEN? SO DO I.
Is it bad that this sort of changes the entire course of WWII for me? I am imagining him writing poetry in his head while slapping that guy in Sicily, like WODEN WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO COWARDLY. And then some rhymes. In iambic pentameter. D:

five things fic: gwen/merlin

2009-07-22T04:27:17Z

HAHA, I GUESS I AM GOING CRAZY. Thank you for nominating Propagation; I think that might have been you, briar_pipe? YOU CANNOT SEE ME, BUT I AM ALL AFLAIL. I am just trying to maintain my manly composure. On this note, a while ago I wrote dreams we should be having (i shouldn't have to clean them up like this) at kinkme_merlin for the prompt "Merlin/Morgana, she dreams that Merlin is a sorcerer." It's not good or anything, but considering that I wrote it in 15 minutes (I'M A SLOW WRITER OKAY) I was quite pleased with it, especially since it was nice to write Morgana a little more understanding than I usually do, and a lot more in control of her powers than even she realizes.

So it's not like I object to Tom Stoppard owning my soul; it's not a recent development or anything, but I should really pick my reading materials with more care. I do not need to be reading about Jewish Czech ex-pats after WWII when I am trying, with mixed success, to convince myself that it is the shittiest of shit ideas to write Liebgott/Webster post-war fic, especially since it's a pairing I don't even like. (I also don't need to be thinking about Rock 'n' Roll/The Book of Laughter and Forgetting nerdgasm crossovers, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY ENTIRELY.) GUYS, also if I had known before finishing the series that this fic existed, I wouldn't need to write fic at all; it is what I would write if I could, you know, actually write. Gen, LiebgottandMalarkey (with bonus!MalarkeyandMuck undertones): Joe Liebgott is haunted by ghosts of his own, but unlike yours, who are few and personal, his ghosts are a great multitude of strangers. Malarkey here is just as awesome and heartbreaking as he is in canon, and Liebgott is - well, Liebgott is a hard character to pin down in the first place, and the author allows him his rage and his ambiguities without letting him off easy, either. She isn't afraid to face the obvious issues surrounding these characters, but she does it with extraordinary gravity and sensitivity, and it is totally, totally worth reading if you're familiar with the canon. Spoilers for "Why We Fight."

ANYWAY, my five things fic for merlin_rarepair I wasn't happy enough with this to post it there, but since you are all here, I figure I shall foist it on you instead. G like nobody's business (wtf there isn't even kissing, there was supposed to be kissing D:), 930 words, five misunderstandings.

1.

“So,” he says, settling himself close to her, “So you kissed Arthur, did you? Was it everything you wanted it to be?”

She tries to take a breath, and sputters, “He – he said that to you? That I kissed him?”

He grins at her incoherence.

“Of course he didn’t.” He unfolds himself and begins to move away. “Arthur wouldn’t kiss and tell.” And then he’s gone before she has a moment to say anything else.

--

“I don’t, either, you know,” he says later, in the laundry room, hovering over her anxiously, like he’s been meaning to say this for a while but doesn’t quite know how to make her understand.

She sighs, puts down the soap. “You don’t what, Merlin?” she asks.

“Kiss and tell.”

“Oh,” she says absently, picking up her laundry again. “Oh, that’s good.”

She doesn’t tell him (doesn’t think to tell him) that when she’s alone she isn’t thinking about kissing at all; when she’s alone she focuses on her footsteps in the high stone hallways, as if by measuring each of her paces she might drown out the sound of her blood ringing like hammers in her ears.

2.

She enters Morgana’s rooms and is shocked to find Merlin there, leaning negligently against the wall.

“Gwen,” he says, starting up, “I didn’t think you were. This isn’t what it looks like.”

She doesn’t know what he thinks it looks like, and tells him as much, but he continues to look startled, and guilty.

“I think Gaius needs you. To hone your medical skills,” she tells him, and Morgana smiles behind his back. He doesn’t understand, but he leaves, with another desperate look thrown over his shoulder at her.

“Gwen – “ says Morgana.

“I don’t think I want to know,” she says, and she really doesn’t (but she thinks she already knows anyway.)

Morgana entices her to play chess (the game of kings) and talks to her about her horse’s trouble with its shoes, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, and Gwen is glad of it.

3.

“Gwen – “ he says, awkward as ever. “D’you remember that time that - , that you were accused of practicing magic and I – “

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Merlin,” she says, and hopes he’s willing to leave it at that.

He’s not. “I mean, your father, if he – “

“Merlin,” she interrupts him, “Please. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“Right. No of course not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –“ he mumbles, and subsides.

Grief isn’t supposed to feel like this, she thinks. Grief is dark-gold and elegiac, but Gwen’s grief is just tired, tired of sorting out her father’s affairs, tired of keeping her voice brisk and cheerful for Morgana, her voice moving until it can no longer keep its balance.

It would be easier to walk away and leave him waiting.

It would be easier.

Instead, she takes his wrist and pulls him towards the practice field, and spends the better part of an hour teaching him to handle a sword.

It’s very cathartic, she finds.

Afterwards, he says, “Feeling better?” and she feels the corners of her mouth twitching up and says, “I hardly know what you’re talking about, Merlin,” and lets her eyes linger on the sloppy curve of his grin.

4.

“You’re my best friend here,” he says. “You know that, right?”

She smiles. “What about Arthur?”

“Oh,” he mutters. “Well. Of course Arthur’s my friend, but - . Well, Arthur’s Arthur.”

Arthur is Arthur, and she’s talked back to Arthur, and kissed Arthur, and Arthur is reserved and dutiful and every inch a prince, and Arthur is Arthur. And she’s talked to Merlin and kissed Merlin, but Merlin is not just a servant and not just a friend and not just a farmer. Merlin is Merlin, but the rest is unsure, and Gwen is unsure, and he is looking at her strangely.

She realizes, belatedly, that she ought to say something.

“Does he often compliment you on your powers of observation?” she asks brightly. “Because he really should. They’re spectacular.”

He looks at her for a long time, studying her face, as if he might find something there if he looks long enough. (She knows the feeling.)

“I just thought you should know,” he offers.

5.
“He’s not my type anyway,” she reflects, “These princely sorts. You never know what they’re hiding.”
“Hey,” he exclaims indignantly, “ I could be hiding something.”

“I meant something important, Merlin,” she says, “Some vast personality defect. Not – not what they do in their free time.”

He glares, but she keeps going, “I don’t really want romance anyway.”

He looks at her strangely (he's always looking at her strangely), and she realizes this is what devastation looks like on Merlin’s face, which is not suited to it, and she wonders if she’s going to have to spell it out for him.

“I mean, I don’t want romance romance,” she says, “With the great tragedy and the personality defects and always knowing you can convince someone to do something out of duty or, or whatever. And always being perfect. I prefer my mysteries small and – and unmanageable.” To be thoughtlessly, heedlessly imperfect, she thinks, so that all the moments of rightness are unnoticed and uncelebrated, perhaps this is the hardest thing. To misunderstand and go forwards anyway. To be brave when it’s unexpected and disinteresting. She’s tired of making things make sense.

He shifts backward slightly, but just off-balance, just moving, not moving away. “Oh. Right,” he says.

And this makes perfect sense.

flailflailflail

2009-07-20T07:35:44Z

OMGWOW, whoever nominated “of being someone else’s possibility” for Excalibur awards, it (and I) are ridiculously flattered. (Am I missing something or is there actually no Merlin/Morgana category? Dear Merlin fandom, NEEDZ MOAR MERLIN/MORGANA, KTHNX D:)

Tangentially, has anyone on the flist seen Band of Brothers? When I first saw it, I had no desire to do the fandom thing at all, but I have recently been rewatching, and ended up breaking my four months fic abstinence to read practically everything recced by crack_van. POINT BEING, y’all should watch it. NO REALLY! I mean, quite often it descends into War Platitudes, and it doesn’t seem sure whether it wants to do the war thing or the character thing and it is evidently unable to do both, so what you get is long periods of insufficiently explained war things (if your elder brother wasn’t the dweebiest thing ever to dweeb, I imagine) and long periods of not much happening, and this is pretty irritating, as well as Tom Hanks’s evident conviction that people in the 1940’s saw things in only like three colors. HOWEVER, IT IS REALLY AWESOME. Like, the last five-but-one episodes are genuinely heartbreaking (AND I AM NOT A CRIER OKAY, BUT I CRIED PRETTY MUCH STARTING AT THE SIXTH EPISODE, AND THE ONLY REASON I WASN’T CRYING FOR THE LAST TWO WAS BECAUSE I WAS BEYOND THE POINT OF TEARS) , and the acting is uniformly fantastic (except for David Schwimmer and that awfully attractive but unable-to-give-his-character-discernable-emotions guy who played Webster) and I love some of the characters (okay, just one) so much that I can’t even read gen fic for them, which never happens to me. And look, it’s like a fourteen hour program that has only like 30 minutes of screentime for women, and I still love it ~~almost~~ without reserve. And that is saying something. ALSO IT’S REALLY PRETTY, and it is almost impossible not to slash wintersnixon. THEREFORE PICSPAM TIME.

YOU ARE NOW ENTERING ENEMY TERRITORY. KEEP ON THE ALERT.

We start with wintersnixon, OTP of the universe.

Their relationship progresses pretty much like this: Nixon: *propositions*, Winters: *ignores*; Nixon: *propositions again*, Winters *accepts*; Nixon: *proposes marriage to*, Winters: *considers*; Nixon: *proposes marriage to again*, Winters: *accepts*

Winters: *swims*
Nixon: *swoons*.
As do we all, Nix. (LOOK GUYS, THEIR LOVE IS FULL OF CONSONANCE)

Easy Company: *fights*

Actually the first person we get a shot of in the entire series is Doc Roe, which is kind of funny because he isn’t introduced until like the third episode. After that however, he emoes enough to make up for the loss. Here he is emoing with nurses in Bastogne and Babe Heffron, last seen in the company of

Sgt ~~Gonorrhea~~ Guarnere, who sometimes is awesome and sometimes is a racist fuck (how is this even possible, I don't know), eats ice cream, and fights with Liebgott, in a scene that is best described by that dude we never see again: “Gonorhea said Sobell’s a Jew. Liebgott took offense because he’s a Jew too.” HAHA I love that saying that ~~Captain Ross~~ ~~David Schwimmer~~ Cpt Sobell practices the same religion that you do is an insult.

And here is the man himself. One picture is more than enough, even if there is bonus Winters.

“Malarkey is slang for bullshit, is it not?” Malarkey is too cool for a caption

aklhTAKLJGHLKJAE LOOK AT THEM <3333

No playing grab the fanny with the guy in front of you Luz

Winters: Do you think you could get that gaping neck wound looked at and also maybe stop killing people for like two whole minutes?
Liebgott: …no?
Winters: Or escort these POWs back?
Liebgott: German prisoners, unsupervised…HELL YES :D
Winters: give me your ammo plz, kthnx
Which is to say, Liebgott’s ability to go from bloodlust to absurdly tender in like 10 seconds is probably unmatched anywhere in the rest of the world

I may/may not be writing fic about Doc Roe

I am not writing fic about Donnie Wahlberg, but look how awesome he is! Watch him manfully restrain his tears when he has to tell his men they are leaving England again! Watch him laugh in the face of danger!

Also Bull! Bull sucks that cigar like it is not a phallic symbol, which of course it isn’t

Everyone loves Bull!

Nixon: Harry what are you doing with your reserve chute?
Lt Welsh: I thought I’d bring it home to Kitty so she could make a wedding dress, what with rations and everything.
AWW

Condoms! And haircuts!

Oh god, I’m not sure what possessed Damian Lewis to play this scene like he was trying to pick up this small child, but it is HILARIOUS nonetheless

YES, LT RONALD MOTHERFUCKING SPIERS IS ACTUALLY RUNNING IN FRONT OF A GERMAN TANK. ACROSS ENEMY LINES. IN FRONT OF A TANK.

He remains unruffled about walking in on people fucking while he loots his way through Europe, and scares the shit out of enlisted men like it’s his job. OH WAIT IT IS.

LOOK EVERYONE, IT’S A LT LEE ADAMA.

OH EASY COMPANY, WHY SO AWESOME?

All caps courtesy of cap_it Guys I now have a couple of hundred MB of caps from Band of Brothers on my harddrive (from pretty much every episode except that one that consisted almost entirely of Webster being dumb and Liebgott being bizarrely confrontational, even for him. I figured enough was enough) WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS.

other things i shouldn't write

2009-07-12T05:02:44Z

Today the random pairing generator in my head threw up (lulz, that is some delicious imagery) Gwen/Will (background Arthur/Merlin, I guess). OBVIOUSLY, Will wants to be ~~jedi~~ knight like his father before him, which is to say, he really doesn't, but he doesn't want to be a farmer either and Ealdor's become boring without Merlin. He stays with Merlin, which is just as annoying as it sounds, since Merlin lets him sleep in the bed but steals the pillow and all the blankets because what else are friends for? He's obviously found out eventually (no gryphon because I'm kind of lazy and I'm not sure how that would work?) and he and Gwen have the following conversation:

Gwen: "I suppose you're going to leave now. Go on quests and things to prove your worth. Not that you haven't proven your worth already."

Will: "No, I thought I'd stay here. I'm thinking I'll train to be a blacksmith."

Gwen: "My father's the blacksmith actually. Only he doesn't need an apprentice."

Will already knows this, that's kind of the point.

Gwen: "Geoffrey, the farrier, has been looking for one though."

Will: "I don't want to be a farrier."

Gwen: "Well yesterday you didn't want to be a blacksmith. I don't think you know what you want."

Will: "Not that there's anything wrong with that?"

Gwen (agreeably): "Not that there is. Well, if you change your mind - I'm sure you won't but if you do, he lives just next door to us."

She smiles at him (not at all slyly) and walks away.

And he follows her.

things i shouldn't write

2009-07-11T06:45:07Z

The really boring Arthur/Sophia AU in which Sophia thinks she should want to be independent but really she just wants security, and Arthur doesn't know what he wants. They're both using each other, and they're not right for each other, not really, and it's far from perfect; but sometimes people just fall in love, it doesn't always make sense, and things work out in the end because sometimes things do. It would probably end something like this:

"You know, sometimes people fall in love," says Merlin, and Arthur remembers Morgana's severe expression when she told him she was getting married, and she wasn't marrying a girl, and she wasn't doing it for the benefits that married couples get. "You don't need to - Arthur, just because people think it's easy doesn't mean that it's wrong."

"Your insight is dazzling," he says, and Merlin smiles sideways at the floor.
--
When he gets home that night, he finds the table's already set and Sophia's standing at the stove, cooking.

"You don't need to do that, you know," he tells her, but he finds himself sitting down anyway. He's never envied Merlin's and Morgana's easy undomesticity before, but suddenly he almost does, he doesn't want this, she's making this too easy, she's never made it this easy, he doesn't want this at all.

"I know that." She looks up at him, a quick, tired look, and says, "I want you to be happy."

He's (suddenly, irrationally) annoyed. "You don't need to say things like that either. And I know you know that because you never say things like that, you haven't said anything like that since - " since you realized I don't like it, he thinks, and thinks, I've changed you, and thinks, I hardly know you at all, I hardly know what you want at all.

A click as she turns off the stove, and then several more, she comes to sit across from him, folding her hands in front of her, she doesn't touch him. "I just - I want to be happy too," she says.

o_O SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST FALL IN LOVE OKAY D: ...i'm sorry, Merlin fandom, I really am. I AM NOT DELIBERATELY AN ASSHOLE, IT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES. (Lulz heteronormativity, oh me) I love how I use my Cally icon for this. Sophia = Cally of Merlin, y/y?

a couple of things that irritate me irrationally, and more things that don't

2009-07-09T06:53:10Z

1) The word "feisty." To all appearances, it means "female, of the talking-back variety" and LOOK, I SAID IT WAS IRRATIONAL, OKAY.
1') Aesthetically, the word "commentate" and its derivatives. It doesn't sound like a word to me? Although I am, admittedly, more or less illiterate.

2) I cannot write for shit recently. Um, in an absolute sense, not a relative one, since that was always up for debate anyway. THIS IS VERY BAD since I have 4 fics to write for reel_merlin, plus two I would like to write some stuff for the merlin_rarepair 5 Things Challenge and also Angel/Santiago for the kinkme prompt "chivalry isn't dead" in which Santiago comes first and I finally use everything I learned in my first two years of high school from the Cult of the Virgin onwards. YEAH, YOU WISH I WERE KIDDING.
2') I don't understand how it is possible for the writers of Merlin to write kissing that is never even mentioned again, which is making it very difficult for me to write Gwen/Merlin fic since they interact, like, twice for the entire rest of the season. THEN I REMEMBER THAT THIS IS MERLIN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT AND WONDER WHAT I WAS THINKING TO EXPECT ANY SEMBLANCE OF CONTINUITY. I thought I was finally making some progress on my other merlin_rarepair fic, which is supposedly 5 times Merlin and Morgana met after the battle or something, and is something that I've been turning over in my head since March, but I was out with some friends at the time (haha wut) and by the time I got home, I'd lost it. SO YAY. I suppose this is mostly my fault though, since I am used to wanting to write pairings that are canon/fanon/at least have significant backstory/at least have some story at all, and now I have to write stuff that actually develops relationships and I am totally at a loss. Totally. LULZ CHARACTERIZATION. WHO NEEDS IT. (Not the Merlin writers, clearly)

HOWEVER THERE ARE THESE THINGS:

1) Death Race: best movie ever or best movie ever? I especially love how they tried to introduce a plot roughly halfway through, as if we were watching for anything other than Mustangs, machine guns, and Jason Statham's strangely-shaped skull.

2) Sean Connery

3) Sean Connery's voice. Yes, this really is two bullet points.

4) http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

5) This Band of Brothers vid should probably not make me laugh as much as it does because, you know, subject matter; and yet I can bring myself to feel no shame. I don't know what was going on in the vidder's head, but I kind of wish I did and that I had been there. Swedish death metal lololololol. Er, this is not intended to cause offense to the Swedish, the vidder, death metal or In Flames. I am just obnoxious.

6) Yesterday I went kind of crazy and decided what I needed in life was more than one icon. And lo, I wasted a lot of time getting them. OH HAI THAR MISS ANGEL COULBY. YOU ARE LOOKING FINE TODAY.
6') If I had the resources/wherewithall/whatever to make icons, I would probably be devoting all my energies to making some sort of emo T-Rex icon out of Bradley's shouty face. You know the one. However, since I have not the abilities, I can be amused by the idea? THAT'S "PRINCE EMO T-REX ARTHUR" TO YOU *flails happily*

7) There is actually no 7; I'm just not fond of odd numbers. This is also the reason that I have two icons of Mazikeen-my-girlfriend although strictly speaking, I don't even need one.

8) The other day I was in the library for...I don't really remember what, actually, although I was saddened to see that the only copy of Angels in America was checked out, since I have only one copy and it is TRAGICALLY MISSING 50 PAGES, but anyway, I was in the library and found the book that I think I have been waiting for my entire life. It is called Raptor Red and it tells a story of survival and biological imperative from the POV of a female Utahraptor. HOW WAS THIS BOOK EVEN PUBLISHED, I WANT TO KNOW. I don't recommend reading it because after one page my mind almost exploded from the ~~awfulness~~ awesome, but the front matter kind of made my life, and thus I will quote it for you here:

"A pair of fierce but beautiful eyes looks out from the dull green undergrowth. The eyes follow every movement in the great herd of plant-eating dinosaurs that mills around the open meadows, moving back and forth with the rapid scanning of a hunter who is thinking about everything she sees. She is an intelligent killer...

So begins one of the most extraordinary novels you will ever read. The time is 120 million years ago, the place is the plains of prehistoric Utah, and the eyes belong to one of the most unforgettable heroines you will ever meet. Her name is Raptor Red and she is a female Utahraptor dinosaur.

Raptor Red's tale begins with tragedy. She and her mate are stalking their prey, a giant astrodon feeding in a nearby meadow. They approach silently and attack with deadly force. But at the moment of triumph, something goes terribly wrong and Raptor Red's mate is killed. It is the beginning of a yearlong odyssey of survival, a thrilling tale told by Robert T. Bakker. Now, in Raptor Red, he dramatizes his theories in a one-of-a-kind-tale.

Raptor Red strikes out on her own, and before long she has rejoined her sister's clan. Together they will hunt and devour iguanadons, brave a monstrous storm and the ensuing flash flood, migrate toward the western ocean to escape powerful predators, and eventually move north to a snowy mountain region in a desperate attempt to escape the threat of the deadly acrocanthosaurs.

At the same time, Raptor Red must obey nature's command to find a new mate. But when a bold and graceful young male presents himself, she is stymied by her conflicting loyalties to her sister's brood and her own powerful impulses to mate and produce chicks of her own. On a snowy mountaintop in the frozen north, Raptor Red's search for a new home and a new mate will culminate in a thrilling climax." DINOSAUR EROTICA, YOU SAY? SIGN ME UP. (I cannot believe I just typed all that up, probably in violation of copyright law. I am awesome.)

reel_merlin, omg

2009-06-25T07:58:30Z

If I were in theory to be writing a From Hell fic for reel_merlin...

1) Would it be Gwen/Morgana or Merlin/Morgana? or Gwen/Merlin? OR Gwen/Merlin/Morgana, omg? There are several issues with all of these! Gwen is not a hooker! It seems really wrong to make Merlin kinda magic if Morgana isn't, especially since I am writing another kinda-magic-Merlin fic for reel_merlin! That is pretty much it! Or! Merlin can be the opium-addicted investigator dude with visions who isn't in the comic book, and Morgana can be the not-really-psychic person (who I can totally make psychic, whatever)who isn't in the movie who Shows Him the Way. AND THEN THEY HAVE SEX IS WHAT I'M SAYING. I KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT. Arthur can be Jack the Ripper.

2) Would it even be wise? I'm already committed to Jurassic Park, Lolita, and Constantine...and thus I pay court to basically every ship in this fandom. Except Arthur/Gwen and Arthur/Morgana, I guess. Haha, oh Constantine. What an appalling movie. Anyway, two longish fics and two shortish ones shouldn't be a hugehuge problem (there's no way I'm writing more than 1500 words of emo T-Rex Arthur, I don't think it's even possible), but Lolita will cause me so much stress, omg. Oh hai, I don't write non-con. But whatever! Merlin Emrys, Hellblazer! Arthur as that Rachel Weiss character that I'm not even sure who it's supposed to be! Since I replacing Vertigo characters wholesale, Morgana can be Mazikeen for Lucifer/Morgana of hothotsex. And Gwen can be the bartender who's always loved her! And then they have sex, too, because I know what's important. I am pretty free and easy with Vertigo canon.

3) time issues notwithstanding, I don't think it would be wise anyway. I'm not too fond of the hooker!AU, and on top of that, I am fond of Top Ten, but that's about it. I have problems with Alan Moore, and I'm not sure I want to reread From Hell, or rewatch the movie. My issues, let me show you them.

Oh well, wtf. I might as well sign up. The worst thing that can happen is that I fail to finish, I guess.

OMFG

2009-06-22T05:25:56Z

Omg, Sebastian Vettel, why are you so fucking cute? Stop making me switch my loyalties/want to marry you/want to ship you with pretty much everyone ever. Except Danika Patrick because the awesome would pretty much kill me before I finished thinking about it. (I'm not thinking about it, unfortunately for you, internet.) Plz to start qualifying again, Danika Patrick, kthnx. Oh fuck, new OT4: Barichello/Button/Patrick/Vettel. And now I'm thinking of them as Merlin characters (Vettel is obviously Merlin), and my mind is a really weird crossover place. (A crossover place of AWESOME.) The nice thing about F1 for me is that I know from the beginning that Force India is going to be destroyed, so I have no expectations. It's like I used to be with the Giants. Oh India, if only you were as kind to your cricket players as you are to pretty much every other Indian athlete/team. (ILU2 Sachin Tandulkar)
Also sadly for you internet, the awesome is mitigated by the fact that I am seeing Salman Khan everywhere, which means I probably will not actually asplode unless it is from rage, and you will not be spared my nonsense after all. Er, not actually everywhere, but close enough, and I cannot say it enough: fucking ugh. It makes me want to write Salman Khan/Shah Rukh hate!sex, even though I don't write hate!sex, and also I would scar myself forever. Why Shah Rukh? I don't really know? No really, I don't know. Um, he was in a fairness cream ad, and also I hear they're fighting. It's perfect. Oh fail, self. Epic fail.
In conclusion, this tagging system is grossly inefficient, by which I mean, not a system at all. It is pretty indicative of my personality, I guess.

india + fandom stuff = spamspamspam

2009-06-12T20:06:56Z

Ugh, sorry about the spam, but I am shipping off to Trivandrum: City Where the Air is Rent with Wailing and the Gnashing of Teeth, and I anticipate a loss of both wireless and sanity; so I am trying to get my random, incoherent rage into the public domain before it becomes irrelevant.

1) Dear John Abraham,
Unless fairness cream will help you with what appears to be a severe personality disorder, I think you're out of luck. Please go diaf, kthnx.
Love,
The World.

And now he's in what appears to be an extremely sensationalistic/inaccurate film about 9/11? Seriously this guy manages to offend me as an Indian, as a Malayali (which is totally different), and as an American. Fucking commendable, sir.

2) Who told the RSS that their uniforms were a good idea? Seriously, whooooo? Not discounting how fucking terrifying fundamentalism is in this or any other country, I am supposed to take these people seriously? This is not the image you want to project, Rashtriya Swayamsewak Sangh. Wait, what am I saying. This is exactly the image you want to project. Do exactly as you were doing. (Also allowed to do as you were doing, you: Mallika Sherawat. Just an observation.)

3) While I am there, is Katrina Kaif really that hot? Like, how is it a worthwhile investment to hire someone who doesn't even speak Hindi? And while I am there (ugh), ugh Salman Khan. Wasn't this man disqualified from life years ago? I don't even understand. WHY DO I SEE HIM EVERYWHERE? Ugh, I say.

4) Things I am not writing: The Talented Mr. Ripley slash. I don't even know what fandom does to me, guys. My family were talking about the Shiva-Kali worshippers, like, the ones who are totally cool with human sacrifice, and I was like...wait, Shiva/Kali? What? These are my gods. The ones I worshipped as a tiny baby. AND THIS IS A TREND, IS WHAT I AM SAYING. I wasn't able to watch the Monaco Grand Prix because my family cares more about tennis, but I slashed Button/Hamilton anyway. And the tennis players, obviously. And I should probably not even mention that all Shakespeare characters seem like AU Merlin ones to me. I'm including Hamlet, here. WTF, EVEN.